7:39 AM Tuesday, October 27, 2020 (PDT) Time in Buellton, CA

Key of Resolution : Inner Mastery


I pray that I may choose the good and resist the evil. I pray that I will not be a loser in the battle for righteousness.

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I am tired and mundane. I hear Seth clicking his way though YouTube on his laptop before school. I see the pink galaxy hue from behind the monitors. I am moody. I pretend not to be moody, but I sure am. I feel kind of trapped. Not really but I do sort of have that feeling a little bit. I touch the keyboard with my cold numb fingers. I worry that its too cold in the mornings to be doing my meditation out there and I will loose that peaceful speration. I am going to try to turn my attitude around. I understand its not all about me and what I want. I dream of a weekend, like a 3 or four day weekend, in the rooftop tent, out somewhere new, doing night hikes and long peaceful readings and meditations. I try to be supportive of what everyone wants to do and how we all are together in everything, its sometimes hard for me I suppose. I am mistaken, my attitude this morning is a self proclaimed mistake. I am better than I think. Its ok, I don't know why I am being such a little whiner.

Today I will be .... you guessed it, working in the office while Seth does school by my side. Yesterday I was doing the same thing. In the afternoon, I was tired and went to Jeanne's Dairyland property down the street. I met with Troy and we did a walk through with Charles regarding all the things he would like done to fix up the place. The house looks good, but we went though all the stuff he wants done. Troy talked a lot. I was tired. I am still tired. I get to send some quality time with Lisa in the afternoon which was really very nice and much needed. Then I napped so hard I was dreaming. After that, Lisa went to work and it was just a quiet night with Seth around the house. I was amazed that he spent 6 hours on his phone, sitting on the couch. From 2pm until 8pm, only getting up to eat. I think I over analyze him and his habits, I know I am no better and no worse. Seth's grade improvement is going well and my clients could use some attention. The most memorable thing about yesterday was going over to the DairyLand property and meeting with Troy and Charles. I suppose it wasn't really a very memorable day... I've been thinking allot about the usual. I need a new focus, something new to dwell on.

Something I could do for Lisa is Let her rest today and have things nice for her when she wakes up, maybe plan a little something for tonight that would be memorable.
Something nice Seth would appreciate is Me, not being grumpy.
Something Jeanne would appreciate is Some time together this evening reading the book, before she leaves for Death Valley.
and something Rachael would like is For me to fix up her computer.

I am grateful for the work I do have and the leads that are laid out before me.
I am grateful for this home and the wonderful expanse of beauty that surrounds it.
I am grateful for family, both inside and outside of this house.

27. What is a sensitive subject for you?

Past relationships, or not really - but obviously its not something everyone wants to talk about or bring up. Im also sensitive about my program and what people might say about it. I don't take criticism well unless you are my sponsor, then its the opposite and I welcome it to the fullest.

Did I work toward my goals yesterday?
I did, I got a lot done yesterday.

What bad habits do I need to stop?
Vape, eating at night, and stop taking Benadryl every night just because you think it will knock you out faster. Lets stop that, I think the quality of sleep is lessened.

What motivated me yesterday?
Work, my morning meditation (which was wonderful)

Have I been the kind of person I want to be?
I believe so, but yesterday evening I was a bit moody and just wanted some time alone.

What mistakes did I make yesterday, and what can I learn from them?
I dont know man, Im tired of these particular questions every morning. It feels invasive, like I am sitting down to a therapy session or something.

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Nope, I do not believe so.

What matters most in my life?
Sobriety, my relationship with my creator.

Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
... not yesterday, no, perhaps I can do differently today!

Did I made someone smile yesterday?
Lisa, when we spent time alone together, she may have smiled.

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
Its been awhile ok?

What do I need to change about myself?
Right now? My attitude.

What do I want most in life?
Peace. Sobriety in all aspects and financial freedom.

What is life calling of me?
Rent and bills. They need to get paid today.

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