8:04 AM Thursday, October 22, 2020 (PDT) Time in Buellton, CA

Key of Resolution : Final Dissolution


I pray that I may build a house in my soul for the spirit of God to dwell in. I pray that I may come at last to an unshakable faith.

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I am shaken not stirred. I feel good but and have and edge of un-comfortability. I hear Seth clicking his Razor mouse at my side and the soft hum of our electronics. I see the day before me and it looks pretty good. I have little to complain about and yet, I am looking for something.... I am looking forward to a shower today, I have been converting these pages to and audio format and posting them at the bottom of the page, then listening to them as I get ready in the morning. I pretend to be on top of things that I am not. I feel quiet, relaxed and a little edgy. I touch on my uneasiness and wonder where it is coming from. I worry about money, and yet I am strangely unafraid and have a faith in what is yet to come. I am warm and content, grateful in my moments. I understand what I need to do, however I seem to be struggling when it comes to doing it. I dream of days off, self care and grand outdoor meditations. I try to stay on track and keep track of what I need to do. I am not really wanting to work today - I will have to push myself.

Today I will be Working at home with Seth as usual, Lisa is home today as well. We have company coming this Friday so there will be a lot to do to get ready. At 3:30pm today I will head over to Jeannes place to talk about the things her tenet Charles wants to do. Yesterday I was in the office with Seth. It was a good day. Work, school, tea, noon meeting and then we went to Solvang an played tennis with Rachael and Shannon. It was warm but not hot and we had a bit of fun doing it. After that we went to the Solvang farmers market where we bought Lisa some quite beautiful sunflowers from the happiest fat Mexican man who asked us if we had tequila or burritos. We dove around a bit more and headed home. Lisa came home shortly afterward and we made a nice little fire out back, and set up the outdoor patio furniture. It was a good day. Family is going well and drinking cherry cokes could use some attention. The most memorable thing about yesterday was walking along Solvang's farmers market with Seth. We were in a good mood and the man who sold us flowers really made Seth lite up. He cheered me up too. It was a small but memorable little interaction. I've been thinking allot about Paul and Karen coming this Friday, I may try to get away - out to the ranch, I need some self care and perhaps I could spend alot of time with them, give them more room in the house and also get my self care in. Im mostly concerend that Lisa will not be comfortably approving of this idea. We shall see, its no problem either way.

Something I could do for Lisa is give her a 100$ cash from moms jewelry to buy groceries today, I know how tight we all are.
Something nice Seth would appreciate is a day to do whatever he wants, and for me to be supportive of that. Maybe propose one day after school that we are indeed going to do something but its up to him to decide what.
Something Jeanne would appreciate is just some simple attention.
and something Rachael would like is me to follow up on what I said I was going to do.

I am grateful for afternoons with Seth, being active in our new area.
I am grateful for Lisa and her calm, uplifting demeanor.
I am grateful for coffe. Dark. Black. Hot. Coffee.

22. Write about a current challenge.

I am currently challenged with work. I find I am so easily distracted that its hard to have someone in the office with me. However, I think that's an excuse and I would just rather work on the things I would rather work on because honestly, having Seth in the office helps, helps keep me focused and helps in the routine of things. So, that leaves me with motivation. How to be self motivated? Lets think on this my friend. Perhaps if I divide and conquer, or delegate, or compromise - anything to make it more achievable in smaller steps would be helpful.

Did I work toward my goals yesterday?
I did, not all of them and not as diligently as I would have preferred, although I did suit up and show up and work and school did get done.

What bad habits do I need to stop?
vape, vaping is getting bad. Its frustrating me, and I can feel a wheeze in my chest, I have to breathe hard at night going to bed and its embarrassing.

What motivated me yesterday?
This. What I am doing now, and the idea of refining it. Turning it into a powerful, helpful and sentimental format and routine.

Have I been the kind of person I want to be?
On the surface I have tried to be for others, on the inside Im not sure I am completely the person I want to be for myself, although, I am not too far away from it and its certainly achieveable.

What mistakes did I make yesterday, and what can I learn from them?
Yesterday I made the mistake of not following though with a few things and now I feel behind. Its not overwhelming or anything but I notice that feeling of accomplishment was not there at the end of the day. I hope that, because im more aware of it now, having done this, that that will be a remedy in and of itself, because I miss that feeling.

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Nothing big, nothing weighing me down or running constantly through my head.

What matters most in my life?
Today? Work and productivity. Although, overall its sobriety and family. Its inner peace and the organic byproducts that are the gifts I receive from the principles I practice.

Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
The biggest thing is still the move, what could I do today that be worth remembering? Think on that.

Did I made someone smile yesterday?
Seth and I had a good time, so, yes I bet I made him smile and when I set up the fire last night and all three of us sat before it on the little outdoor couch, I think Lisa liked that and perhaps she smiled in her heart a little bit.

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
It was a day or two ago, when Rachael came over to talk about work and I called Ryan. I should push it more today.

What do I need to change about myself?
Vaping and eating at night. As usual.

What do I want most in life?
I want a deep, rich and powerful connection with God, family and the stream of life.

What is life calling of me?
Coffee, more coffee and a shower!

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