8:06 AM Monday, October 26, 2020 (PDT) Time in Buellton, CA

Key of Resolution : Clarity In Nature


I pray that I may walk in companionship with God along the way. I pray that I may keep my feet upon the path that leads upward.

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I am at the forefront of what I hope to be a very fruitful and service oriented work week. I hear Seth sighing heavily over his warm laptop, ruminating over school. As it should be. I see the soft pink hue of the "galaxy" light theme, still activated from the night before when we were watching our late night movie. I am anxious to get to work, perhaps this journaling could be a little more succinct and less time consuming. So many questions! Though, if I get better at typing like this, it could really go very quickly and still hold a lot of content. I pretend to me mature. I mean, I try. I give it a shot. I feel good, a little anxious, but overall really quite good in comparison to my recent history. Im active. Not just active as in getting around and doing things, but also active on the inside. I touch the cold coffee, whos temperature settled from being outside with me during my morning on the back patio. I worry about Lisa, she needs more from me, I want to give more and sometimes the thought comes to me that if I don't give her what she needs (which is what I want too) that she will look for it somewhere else and this whole thing will end in devastation. I just wish we could get some time alone, the house to ourselves a little more. I would feel more comfortable and free to indulge. I am taking my time with this as an experiment, I've been knocking out some work in-between questions. I understand the cats want out in the morning... its going to be inevitable! I dream of a kitty door, one that has a latch and is respected by the cats and other animals. Though, the cats getting in and out is really not something I am worried about. I try to stay focused, clean, and productive. I try to think with my fingers. I am doing it. The money may not be instant, but its happening.

Today I will be In the office doing work, whit Seth by by side doing school. I've had a very nice morning meditation and feel anxious to get the work week underway. Its Monday, so I could be doing the Santa Barbara Black Print this evening - noon meeting and tea for sure. Yesterday I was one pleased little man on earth. I had a good day. Woke up, did my morning meditation and gave Lisa a really great hug, she stayed home and slept in an effort to be ready for her first shift as a night nurse at Cottage Hospital in Santa Ynez. Seth and I went out to the ranch after stopping at a thrift store in Buellton. It wasn't very exciting but I will keep my eye on that place. We headed out to the ranch and took the ranger to the very back, stopping at the old hidden dump along the way and collecting little rocks, sticks, and bones for a hidden back-of-the-ranch meditation spot. We saw a newborn baby and mother, stark black cow, the calf was still wet from being born and we saw it take its first steps. Very cute. We set up the meditation spot, collecting little things here and there and when we were done, it was quite nice. Great spot. Then we headed back, got in my car and went to Albertsons where I filled the water jugs and Seth bought us New York strips and veggies, which he cooked later that evening before Lisa went to work. I took a nap next to Lisa during the day, felt good. Later, Seth made the steaks and after dinner Percival accidentally got out into the back yard. It was almost comedy how Lisa reacted and Im am sorry that I didn't react more appropriately. I tried to give her space to do her thing but unfortunately I was very sarcastic and unsupportive. I ran around to the street to herd him back in and almost ran into the biggest spider right in the middle of a web the size of my face, and at exactly face level. Later, I showed it to Seth and found that wild rosemary is growing up there. I spent some time alone in the bedroom after Lisa went to work and then Seth and I watched a bit of a horror movie and went to bed. my morning meditations and journaling, touch typing, and the way in which the cats are living here is going well and my work priorities could use some attention. The most memorable thing about yesterday was going out to the ranch and seeing that baby calf and its mother, setting up the meditation alter and just being on the ranch alone with Seth on a almost cold cloudy scenic day. I've been thinking allot about money, and thinking perhaps I should go out and get a job. Not that it would be that easy considering unemployment rates and the current status of employment. I would be happy to do it, I actually would welcome it. It might be hard for Seth to be home alone and do school, and I think it would be hard on Lisa, perhaps, to be working and caring for Seth during the day. Its just something that has kind of been calling to me. I should do that real estate photography, that would be a good compromise.

Something I could do for Lisa is have some sort of breakfast or dinner ready for her when she gets up for work this evening.
Something nice Seth would appreciate is some studio time together.
Something Jeanne would appreciate is a thoughtful presence when checking on her place while she is out of town.
and something Rachael would like is just some time together.

I am grateful for the clients I have, and that they are willing to pay me.
I am grateful for Lisa, and her career. That she does well and has a lot of time off in-between shifts, but still makes good income.
I am grateful for the financial situation I have, it could be so much worse. The house is wonderful and there is food in the fridge, the lights are on, and the bed is soft and warm. Thank you god!

26. Recall a time in your life that you remember laughing the hardest.

Oh dear, this is a hard one. As a kid, going to get coffee with friends and being relatively stoned, drinking coffee all night at that bakery resuraunt here in Buellton... man, we laughed hard over some random shit that I don't even remember. It was good times though, I wish they were more clear in my memory.

Did I work toward my goals yesterday?
The goal was not to work twards goals so I could relax. Yes. Acomplished.

What bad habits do I need to stop?
Vape. Food at night.

What motivated me yesterday?
Lisa going to work, getting that log out of my car and wanting hot water for out tea today.

Have I been the kind of person I want to be?
I think I have been pretty on edge, short with Seth and quick to react... what's going on with that? I think its just been close quarters for me. I would like to get away a bit more, though we have all been getting away together and I have really been enjoying that.

What mistakes did I make yesterday, and what can I learn from them?
I need to take time for myself somehow and unplug, ge that alone crap in that makes me come back fresh, but I need to figure out how to do that without Lisa or Seth feeling like I am leaving them, because that defeats the whole point.

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Nothing big, not anything I can easily put my finger on, and I don't need to spend time digging up stuff that isn't even on my plate.

What matters most in my life?
Closeness, God, family, security in all.

Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
Going out to the ranch with Seth perhaps, I think he will vaguely remember that as a grown man. The kind of things we did together.

Did I made someone smile yesterday?
I remember Lisa stating that I made her smile!! Now I cant remember what it was though....

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
Perhaps right now, because honestly, these are a lot of questions! I should be working!!

What do I need to change about myself?
Efficiently and balance in work and journaling.

What do I want most in life?
Financial security, I mean, I want that badly. Though it really isn't the main object, sobriety, and health of myself and those I love come first but still, I find myself thinking a lot about who I could invoice.

What is life calling of me?
The day before me, lets get to it. Also that tea is sounding good.

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