8:28 AM Friday, October 30, 2020 (PDT) Time in Buellton, CA

Key of Resolution - Daily Renewal Of Character


I pray that I may learn the lesson of waiting patiently. I pray that I may not expect things until I have earned the right to have them.

  • Wash your mask daily: the ultimate guide to face coverings - Link.
  • Learn your own vocabulary - Link.
  • How To Say No, For The People Pleaser Who Always Says Yes - Link.
I am uncomfortable, a slight sense that everything could go very wrong between Lisa and I and the weekend will be spent in emotional upheaval. As if I shouldn't be here if I cant figure out what I am doing so wrong and thus don't deserve and comfortable consideration or something. I don't know, I feel exhausted just trying to consider it alone in a peaceful setting. I hear Lisa doing step work with her sponsee out in the living room, we can all hear it. I have music on and the door closed and can still hear it. I see how quickly and how easily everything can get uncomfortable. It all changes in a moment for seemingly no good reason. I do it too, and perhaps that's where the fear comes from, that someone could be mildly upset and it turns into a week or two of fighting and discord. So, we just apologize profusely and cover up whatever it is we are going through, out of fear that it will upset the whole family for a long time.... I know I do it too, I apologize often because whatever little upset thing is going on with me, I know is not really a big deal and will pass, because I just want it to pass, and there isn't anything wrong - at all - I don't want to start some fight over a minor thing that could ruin a weekend or something, so I just sweep it away as fast as possible and try to shut down the possibility of a fight as quickly as I can. I am a bit confused and frustrated with all of this. I know it cant always be perfect, and it has been good lately, so I am just trying to take the good with the bad and in stride. I pretend I am not affected, however, how could I not be? I feel worried, concerned and cornered into a bad place. I touch the cool black desk with my sleepy forearms. I worry too much, too often, when I am really quite free. I am looking forward to calling it a day and getting out into the sunshine. I understand things have a course and a path that take time to traverse and are thankfully beyond my scope of understanding. I dream of a quiet, comfortable, cozy night under the stars. I try to stay focused on my Friday work day. I am however, not focused.

Today I will be In the office I suppose, though it seems pretty tense between Lisa and I and I honestly would love to get out, so, maybe I will break away and everyone can have a little more space. Seth is doing school in his room, I miss having him in here sometimes, I really enjoyed his company and it helped me stay accountable as well. Seth has a drumming lesson in Santa Barbara this afternoon and Lisa is off of work - so, I don't know what is happening, I honestly don't think she wants to be around me, and I know if I don't go with them, that will upset her as well, so it seems I am in a loosing situation here, though perhaps that will change between now and then. Paul and his wife should be here tomorrow, and tomorrow is also Halloween. There's lots of ideas of what we could do, and we want to involve Shannon, so I guess we will just take it one thing at a time and figure out what works best for everyone when everyone is here. Yesterday I was Working in the office, went to the Dairyland property in the morning and met the electrician, Frank. That seemingly went well. Then after some time at the house, working in the office - Lisa. Seth and I did the noon meeting outside which was very nice. It was a meditation meeting and Lisa made me a very nice lunch and the cats were playing in the backyard and the whole damn thing was quite lovely. I took a little nap in the afternoon, then Lisa and I went to Solvang. We walked around for a bit and discovered that Lisa was getting quite hungry and after some tense emotional deliberation decided to go out to Santa Ynez and kill some time until SY Kitchen opened and have and early dinner there. We walked all over Santa Ynez which takes about an hour or less, visited several shops, two dogs and a very friendly white cat that I thought was going to follow us everywhere. We had dinner and it was good, they seated us in back, and I could be wrong, but it felt a bit like they didn't really want us there. The food was ok, not great but it was nice being there. Then we went over to Jeanne's place, visited Piper and I played a game with James - TD Battles 6 - we made past level 100 and we were both pretty thrilled. Once we were home, we watched some TV, "Fortitude" and went to bed. Lisa was pretty upset it seemed and I don't know why. It was the kind of upset that someone has when you feel they should obviously know why, but without telling them why.... anyways, it feels like it has lingered into the morning and now here we are! the cats enjoying the back yard is going well and Lisa could use some attention. The most memorable thing about yesterday was I don't know, maybe having dinner at that restaurant. I remeber seeing the almost-full moon and it was pretty spectacular, right above highway 246, looking so clear and so close, surrounded by pastel highlights and gradient reds and blues. I've been thinking allot about setting up the roof top tent and checking out for a bit.

Something I could do for Lisa is approach her about whatever it is that's going on and let her unload.
Something nice Seth would appreciate is Having the house to himself maybe or maybe coming back into the office. Im not sure really.
Something Jeanne would appreciate is Some pictures of Piper throughout the day today.
and something Rachael would like is to just enjoy her vacation with mom.

I am grateful for the food, warmth and quiet conditions that this home often offers.
I am grateful for the meditation room and time spent in it.
I am grateful for family, immediate and otherwise.

30. 10 new things I learned this week.

Oh jeeze. Ok, here we go.
1. I learned that there are viable and realistic work endeavors that I need to follow though with.
2. I learned that I will never be so caught up with clients that, those work endeavors will be the only thing on my plate.
3. I learned that this area provides more in terms of things to do, and as such I want less material things.
4. I learned that a meditation room is appealing and nice to have not just for me, but for everyone, perhaps in such a way that it turns into a tool for guilt trips, and fighting.
5. I learned that meetings in the back yard are on point.
6. I learned that matcha tea is really good for me.
7. I learned that SY Kitchen is not my favorite place to eat.
8. I learned that I enjoy meditational trinkets.
9. I learned that routine, or ratter, I affirmed that routine can come naturally and is is extremely freeing.
10. I learned that there is always something right, and smart to be doing.

What enjoyable personal project would you like to be working on?
Sewing stuff, I would like to work on pouches, like beach pouches, I want to make really cool little foraging pouches that can be worn or hung and look cool as well and being highly functional. I really actually quite like that first one I made, I like that I can almost completely unfold it flat.

What bad habits do I need to stop?
Vape. Eating late. Eating because others are hungry, Eating everything in front of me.

What motivated me yesterday?
Family, sobriety and for a moment there - personnel freedom and excitement.

Have I been the kind of person I want to be?
I have been trying, maybe my expectations of "The Person I Should Be" are unrealistic, and confused with the person I want to be and the person I should be.

What mistakes did I make yesterday, and what can I learn from them?
Maybe I didn't respond to Lisa's hunger correctly - I am actively trying to reset that and develop a new, improved and hopefully more-agreeable-for-everyone response.

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Lisa really upset me last night! I don't even know what was so bad to be almost yelling at me when I thought we were just going to go to bed together, I was even thinking we would cuddle and be close but something happened and I was somehow the bad guy all of a sudden. I am holding onto that and I don't want to, I don't want to care, nothing is so bad that I should be upset.

What matters most in my life?
Sobriety, family and personal freedom.

Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
Lets change this question - please. Its not a bad question but I cant do something every single day that's super memorable, super memorable things would then just be average non-memorable things so lets mix up this question please.

Did I made someone smile yesterday?
Lisa. I think she smiled at that dog, the little fluffy one in the western shop and though I didn't directly make her smile, I felt partly responsible for that smile.

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
Im not going to push my comfort zone everyday either, so this is another question that could use some mixing up.

What do I need to change about myself?
My response or reaction to Lisa when she is having a bit of a hard time, we've been talking about this, as something we could all work on so its no big secret.

What do I want most in life?
Freedom on a personal endeavor or adventure, that's what's calling to me today.

What is life calling of me?
Work and more high paying work. Also, sponsorship and step work. Perhaps those go together eh?

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