8:40 AM Monday, November 2, 2020 (PST) Time in Buellton, CA

The Infinity of Being - Unshadowed By Reflection


I pray that I may keep pouring out what I receive. I pray that I may keep the stream clear and flowing.

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I am agreeable. I think I am reasonable too, though at times I am certainly difficult. I hear The traffic outside and its rather soothing. I can also hear the hum of my computer tower. I see the day before me and the week as well, all coming so fast, and it all looks really quite good. I am getting hungry. I pretend to be at ease. I feel a little behind. Though, all is really quite well. I touch the keyboard with my freshly trimmed and sensitive fingernails and it feels so much better. I worry about Lisa. I worry that she wont be rested and will wake up in a panic. We have a peaceful and productive thing going here and I hope she will awake and be a part of it. I am doing well methinks. I understand my typing will get better, faster if I just continue. I dream of incredible typing speeds. Typing at the speed of thought. I try to stay on track, focused. I am moving forward and the pace is what it is.

Today I will be At home, in the lovely office, working with Seth by my side. I asked him to rejoin be because, well, I have missed him in here. Other than that, Lisa is fast asleep as she was working last night, the cats are outside and the day looks incredible. The weather is so, so, so very nice. Yesterday I was home with the family. Paul and Carol left in the late morning after we all sat around visiting on the back patio. Then we headed out to pick up Shannon and take her to her tennis lesson out at the Alisal. Having arrived, and finding that we were and hour early - we headed back into Solvang and walked around, exploring the mystic merchant and then pastries at Mortensons bakery. Then we went back and watched Shannon do her lesson. It was really beautiful and we noticed hoses on the hillside. Such a wonderful place and the day was absolutely golden. After the lesson we all had lunch at Ellen's - Im sorry Lisa I got your order incorrect. Then promptly after dropping off Shannon, we went home and I took a deep, long, nap. When I awoke, I made a fire in the back yard and we all sat around it until we got in a pretty incredible TD Balloons Battle 6 session with James. That took us into several hours of gaming. Then we watched some TV and it was off to bed for me - Lisa had to get ready for work and went in at 1am. I heard her come in this morning during my meditation at 7am. That must me a long night and Im glad she's getting some good sleep now. outdoor activities, getting out into the local area, and window shopping is going well and my quality of sleep and income level could use some attention. The most memorable thing about yesterday was sitting out at Shannon's tennis lesson. It kind of forced me to relax outside of the house and think about all the opportunities available to all of us in the area. It wasn't long before we were dreaming of taking horse back rides on the ocean side of Refugio. I've been thinking allot about Jason's surgery coming up this Wednesday. I really don't want to do the drive and I really don't want to miss it. I wonder how best I can be of service.

Something I could do for Lisa is Have a little lunch or dinner ready for her when she gets up this afternoon.
Something nice Seth would appreciate is Some time on the ranch to just be free and play.
Something Jeanne would appreciate is Reading the book tomorrow evening.
and something Rachael would like is just a call to say hello.

I am grateful for the weekend and all of its wonderment.
I am grateful for the family and the joy of living with them.
I am grateful for food and comfortable surroundings.

2. 10 things about myself I’ve never told anyone.

1. I worry gravely about my health, I often feel there is something wrong with me that's much worse than I let on.
2. I beat the hell out of myself at night before I go to bed, I try hard not to but I almost always inevitably fall asleep to very, very harsh self harm thoughts. Like, Dante's inferno self harm.
3. I don't feel worthy of everything I have.
4. I wish I wasn't the kind of person that needed time alone.
5. I care deeply over certain small seemingly little things. Like the couch pillows being correct, or toothpaste stains in the bathroom sink.
6. I don't want the reasonability of being loved.
7. I enjoy overeating to the point of being sick or passing out.
8. I am sometimes barely hanging on, just a moment or two away from a complete breakdown and I don't think anyone really realizes it, they just think I am being moody.
9. I don't want to be fixed.
10. I am more depressed that I am even willing to admit to myself.

What enjoyable personal project would you like to be working on?
Sewing and meditations at night, also, maybe some big hand drawn art....

What bad habits do I need to stop?
vape, eating at night and staying up late.

What motivated me yesterday?
Family, mostly family.

Have I been the kind of person I want to be?
I think so, I try. Mostly, I think I am the person I can be to the best of my willingness.

What mistakes did I make yesterday, and what can I learn from them?
Lets change this question. Please. To: What did you do yesterday, that you are glad you did for today?

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Nope, I want to do some column work though, I look forward to it. Perhaps that could be my night meditation time.

What matters most in my life?
Sobriety, Family, Spirituality and productiveness. Purpose too. So much.

Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
I think Paul and Carol will remember that drive on the ranch!

Did I made someone smile yesterday?
I know I made Paul smile yesterday in front of the house when I told him how good and meaningful it has been to have him stay with us.

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
Over the weekend, being so social with family.

What do I need to change about myself?
Vape. Health. Eating habits. Sleep habits.

What do I want most in life?
Quality.... and nice things.

What is life calling of me?
clients. lets not forget to get to work today!

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