9:15 AM Saturday, October 24, 2020 (PDT) Time in Buellton, CA

Key of Resolution : The Basis Of Human Freedom


I pray that I may be kept from evil by the grace of God. I pray that henceforth I will try to keep myself more unspotted by the world.

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I am fueled by dark, back, rich, spiritual coffee. I hear traffic, like waves on a beach, and Lisa doing her program, softly in the distance as if she were speaking truth in a dream, on a beach in our home. I see the dim soft blue hue of the studio around me. I am soft and quiet. I pretend to be quiet when my mind is shouting. I feel really quite pleased in such a way that is deep, meaningful and full of awe. I touch moments of grace and savor them thoughtfully. I worry about money. And Im getting tired of it. I am so happy its Saturday. I understand this will pass. I dream and in my dream I am living, in the day and moments I am in right now. Right here and now, this was and is my dream and I am alive in it. I try to hold onto it, I dont want it to morph or chance, I love it so dearly. I am alive and well.

Today I will be doing whatever I want on a beautiful Saturday full of freedom and grace. I had a wonderful morning meditation and am so very grateful today is a open and free day. Yesterday I was in the office with Seth and it was a good day. I woke up late, I got to sleep in and it felt really, really good. Lisa, Seth and I did the noon meeting which was really good - we all got to share. It was a lovely way to end the work week. We had tea and Lisa made her amazing sandwich, deviled egg and grapes lunch, with that red salad dressing on it. So good, and so nice. Then we took a nap, and headed into Solvang where we went to the Mystic Merchant, and a Persian store where Seth got a very nice prayer bead bracelet. We drove into Los Olivos, then out on Figueroa Road to Michael Jacksons Neverland Ranch entrance - after some indecisiveness we all went to Santa Barbara walked State Street, visited the antique shop and had dinner at O'izzo - which was fantastic, as usual. I retired early, I was tired and that was a little disappointing for Lisa, though I am pleased we are both up early today and engaged in recovery. It really was a great day. I am so happy to be here that it feels like light is shinning in dark corners of my soul, where it has not been in quite some time. Home life and frugal living is going well and Clients and invoices could use some attention. The most memorable thing about yesterday was after dinner on State street, Lisa and I walked down to the beach by the peir, and just listened to the waves and held each other for a moment. It may not have been some big memorable moment although its a moment I will treasure. I really felt happy, at peace and at home with her. I've been thinking allot about family, and being closer to them and how meaningful it is for me that Lisa and Seth not only like and tolerate them but also feel they are welcomed into their family circle as well. It really does mean more to me than I realize and it could really be very different and the way it is, is the absolute best it could possibly be. Thank you for this.

Something I could do for Lisa is give her time, to do what she wants and be fully engaged and supportive of it without any teasing or joking around.
Something nice Seth would appreciate is a fancy dinner, just the two of us. We can put our best foot forward and practice life's little mannerisms.
Something Jeanne would appreciate is a small but memorable act of service or gift.
and something Rachael would like is for us to reach out to Shannon and include her in whatever we are doing.

I am grateful for the three of us and how we get along, and how we compliment each other emotionally, because we do that at times and we are good at it when we do it.
I am grateful for the food, the joy of living and both of those things have been exceptionally good lately.
I am grateful for the living life and incredible nature that surrounds us.

24. What one event shaped your life?

There was a time in a day, in Santa Barbara where I was at a terrible bottom in my life. I was sitting on a small wall, homeless for the first time in my life and it was just unbelievable for me. I simply could not comprehend that my family had cut me off, I had no where to sleep, stay and no one to call on for food, shelter or warmth. I was trying to get into sober living and they dident have any beds avalible, and I just couldent handle where I was at in my life. It was too wrong and unreal and yet there I was sitting there in that very situation. I had no idea of what to do. I was completely empty of knowing. I was emotionally devistated and knew it would take me days, weeks, months and maybe years to fully accept that moment, in that situation.

Did I work toward my goals yesterday?
I did. Work could have been more productive but it was a good end to a nice work week and I have a path that I believe will be fruitful.

What bad habits do I need to stop?
Vape. Eating at night. Dessert.

What motivated me yesterday?
Family, new surroundings and a swollen ankle.

Have I been the kind of person I want to be?
Not to the best of my ability. I like this question, I do want to be the kind of person I want to be. I want to be a better man.

What mistakes did I make yesterday, and what can I learn from them?
I don't know, but I did get tired and claustrophobic in the antique store, I felt I just needed some space, some time alone to browse and get lost in the shelves and little things and I was struggling to find it.

Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Insecurity perhaps.

What matters most in my life?
Sobriety, family, security, and of course coffee.

Have I done anything lately worth remembering?
I am still remembering dropping in on that ramp, it might not be something we all remember but my sore ankle keeps reminding me.

Did I made someone smile yesterday?
Lisa. I think she was smiling when I held her on the beach. Maybe smiling on the inside but I bet there was a smile there somewhere.

When did I last push the boundaries of my comfort zone?
Its been a few days haven't it? I understand the question. You got me.

What do I need to change about myself?
Some habits regarding health.

What do I want most in life?
Peace. Simple peace. Inner and outer.

What is life calling of me?
The beach, warm evenings filled with sand and salt water.

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